when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
