So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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