I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
