She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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