so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
