Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
