Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
