I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
3pm strippers are depressing
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
