i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
