I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
