why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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