ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
