Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My cat gives me a boner
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
