Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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