Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
My room smells like vodka and shame
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
