Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
