my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
