What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
