So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
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