if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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