I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
