I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
