You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
