he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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