I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
