I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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