Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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