1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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