i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
