this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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