at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
