I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
