Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
