Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
