We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
