i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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