Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
