Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
