got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
