Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
