I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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