we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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