Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
