remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
