I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
