dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
