i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Randomize
