I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
