I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I need a beard to bite.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
