I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
