I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
